Remote Control?

A few months ago, I allowed my husband to convince me that we needed to switch cable, Internet and telephone providers to Verizon. Our neighborhood had recently gotten FIOS installed and the financial savings and increased speed in getting Internet information was an incentive that could not be refused.

Just when I had gotten the hang of the Comcast remote for the TV, I now found myself with a brand new remote and set of problems to deal with.

The new remote control for my cable television connection has 50 different buttons. Other than the channel selection buttons (numbers and up/down arrows) and the volume control, I haven't a clue what any of the others are for. Somehow I can manage to get into the "menu" screen, which allows me to select from the "On Demand" offerings. I couldn't tell you exactly how I stumble upon this feature, it's like an unexpected gift when I get it right. The rest is a complete mystery.

The installer assured me that this remote would be a piece of cake to use. He demonstrated by flipping around from channel to channel and raved on about the incredible features I now had that would provide me with viewing pleasure I never would have imagined. I found myself just nodding up and down like a bobblehead. His voice began to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher: "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah..." I knew then that I was in over my head.

There are buttons on this remote that I cannot use because we do not have HDTV (Let's not even go there). There are buttons on the remote that I cannot use because the service has not been activated in my area. There are buttons that cannot be used because they are for features that are being developed. Then there are the buttons labelled "Aspect," and "PIP" which I know for a fact that I will never use.

After I have managed to actually turn the TV on with the cable activated, I now have to figure out what number to punch in to get the station I want. All my channel numbers have changed. Food Network (on the rare occasion I want to see it) used to be 27, it's now 144. Bravo was 50, now it's 165. I have a channel directory provided by Verizon. It lists the nearly 800 stations that I could have access to. By the time I locate the station on the guide and figure out how to tune in, the program is over.

There have been times when I have gotten up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep. In the past, I can turn on the TV and it will provide me with a comforting "white noise" that helps me fall asleep. Recently, I awoke, stumbled down to the couch and turned on the TV. I got a blank screen. Try as I might, I could not get a picture. I pushed a button here, a button there. Nothing. I tried pushing several buttons at once. Nothing. I tried actually reading the 50 page manual. No answers. Finally, I saw it: the "Verizon Hotline" phone number. At 4 o'clock in the morning, I found myself answering "Yes" and "No" questions to an automated voice (very pleasant, I might add). "She" talked me through and with one push of a button, a program appeared on the screen and I had lift-off! Only now I was wide awake.

The remote for the DVD/VCR sysyem has 47 buttons and the stereo system has 42. Once I figure all this out, I'll write a book "Remote Controls for Dummies".

Who actually needs 800 channels anyway? Even with that multitude of choices, we end up watching repeats of "Law and Order" because "There's nothing on."